What’s Safety Got to do with It?

by Angela Kuhns, MA, LPC

For a moment consider the role safety plays in your life... in the life of others...in our world...

Our safety and sense of safety impacts every aspect of our lives. Our health, relationships, careers, quality of life... all heavily rely on our safety and sense of safety. When we experience a painful emotion or a problematic pattern repeating in our life we often jump into “fixing”, attempts to rationalize our way out of it, or some form of avoidance, none of which create deep and sustainable change. Safety however, creating and building safety and a felt sense of safety can lay the foundation for profound change.

There are real dangers in life that need to be acknowledged and addressed. If you don’t feel safe, this is a call to take an honest inventory and start moving in the direction of safety. Safety and a felt sense of safety are not created by judgement. If you find yourself saying “there is no reason for me to feel this way” or “logically, I am safe,” it is time to get more curious. Rather than trying to convince yourself, try to practice noticing, staying with, and being curious about what is actually coming up for you. We want to build more understanding so that we can start addressing
safety concerns and underlying needs.

Keep in mind what feels familiar or maybe even comfortable is not the same as what is safe. This can get pretty muddied up. When we are having trouble knowing the difference, it is helpful to think of a baby (human or animal) or a seedling. We protect these small beings from threats by being with them, not by locking them away from life. We handle them with care, gentle and slow with our movements. We talk softly. We don’t allow predators or harmful people to have access to them. We make sure their needs are met. Moving towards safety might mean we create distance between ourselves and someone who is causing us harm, start challenging harmful conditioning, practice setting boundaries, and begin engaging with self-compassion. It is hard work and sometimes the question of “What would I want for a little one, beloved pet, or best friend?” can give us the clarity we need to do the hard things.

As a practice, we can think about moments we have felt truly safe or attune to safety in the present moment. We can notice the conditions that are necessary for and contribute to our sense of safety. We can recognize that safety is a bodily experience and deepen our felt sense of safety by paying attention to the sensations that arise in our bodies. We can breathe into the sensations and experiences, letting them expand and get as big as they need to. Maybe we notice a softening or release of tension. Maybe there is an openness and relaxation in our posture. Maybe our breaths are a little slower and a little deeper. Maybe we feel a warmth especially around our heart. These are just examples, pay attention to what comes up for you.

If you can’t think of a time you actually felt safe, know that you are not alone, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, and I assure there is a reason. While working towards understanding those reasons and creating greater safety it is still possible to engage in building a felt sense of safety. We can use our imaginations like in Safe Space Guided Imagery and engage similarly to what is described above.

May we all know greater and greater safety.

In memory of the Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Tina Turner. What a beautiful and extraordinary example of what reclaiming safety and living fully looks like.