​It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, "I’ll be happy when..."

When you get that promotion. When you buy a house. When you find the right partner. These thoughts make it seem like happiness is always just one step away, waiting for us in the future. But what if true happiness isn’t about reaching a milestone? What if it’s about embracing life as it is, right now?

The Problem with Postponing Happiness

When we tie our happiness to future achievements, we put our well-being on hold. This mindset can make us feel like our present isn’t enough, leading to frustration, anxiety, and a constant feeling of chasing something just out of reach. The reality is that even when we reach that next goal, we often find ourselves setting another one, continuing the cycle of "I’ll be happy when..."

Happiness Is Not a Destination

Happiness isn’t something we arrive at once we check off enough boxes. It’s a feeling we cultivate through our daily experiences, relationships, and perspective. Milestones and accomplishments can bring moments of joy, but lasting happiness comes from how we engage with life in the present.

How to Find Happiness in the Present

Instead of waiting for happiness in the future, here are some ways to embrace joy in the now:

• Practice Gratitude: Take time each day to appreciate what you have. Gratitude shifts your focus from what’s missing to what’s already present.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Life isn’t just about big achievements. Recognizing and appreciating the small moments like completing a task, having a great conversation or enjoying a quiet morning can make each day feel meaningful.
• Detach Happiness from Outcomes: Goals are great, but they shouldn’t define your happiness. Find joy in the journey, not just the result.
• Be Present: Mindfulness, whether through meditation, deep breathing, or simply slowing down helps you appreciate the moment you’re in rather than longing for the future.
• Cultivate Self-Compassion: You are enough as you are. Happiness doesn’t come from being "better" or achieving more, it comes from accepting and valuing yourself today.

​Shifting Your Mindset

Letting go of "I’ll be happy when..." doesn’t mean giving up on goals or growth. It means recognizing that happiness is available to you right now, in this moment. When you stop waiting for happiness and start living fully in the present, you create a life that feels fulfilling not because of what’s coming next but because of what’s here today.

If you’re struggling to find happiness in the present, we’re here to help. Our counseling services can support you in shifting your mindset and embracing a more joyful, fulfilling life right now.

We live in a world that often tells us we should always be happy. Social media is full of highlight
reels, self-help books emphasize the pursuit of happiness, and well-meaning friends might say,
"Just stay positive." But the truth is, it's completely normal, and even healthy, to not feel happy
all the time.

All Feelings Are Valid

Happiness is just one of many emotions we experience. Alongside it, we feel sadness,
frustration, anxiety, and even moments of uncertainty. These emotions aren’t just normal; they’re
important. They help us process life’s ups and downs, connect with others, and grow as
individuals. If we were happy all the time, we might miss the signals that tell us something
needs our attention or care.

The Problem with Toxic Positivity

While optimism and gratitude have their place, feeling pressured to be happy all the time can do
more harm than good. This is called toxic positivity—when we push away or ignore difficult
emotions in favor of forced positivity. It can make us feel guilty for experiencing sadness, stress,
or grief, when in reality, those feelings are just as valid as happiness.

Growth Comes from Every Emotion

Some of life’s most valuable lessons come from difficult emotions. Feeling sadness after a loss
allows us to grieve and heal. Frustration can motivate us to make meaningful changes. Anxiety
can help us prepare for challenges. Instead of fearing these emotions, we can learn to accept
them as part of our journey.

How to Honor Your Emotions

Rather than chasing happiness 24/7, try embracing the full range of your emotions with
kindness and self-compassion. Here are a few ways to do that:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Instead of pushing emotions away, name them. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed right now,” can be the first step in processing what you're going through.
• Practice self-compassion: Bad days are part of being human. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one.
• Seek support when needed: Talking to someone—whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor—can help you navigate difficult emotions in a healthy way.
• Engage in activities that nurture you: Whether it’s journaling, meditating, moving your body, or simply resting, find what helps you feel grounded and supported.

Happiness Isn’t a Destination—It’s a Journey

True well-being doesn’t come from forcing happiness but from allowing yourself to feel and
process emotions as they come. Some days will be joyful, others will be challenging, and that’s
okay. What matters is giving yourself permission to feel it all—without judgment.
If you're struggling with your emotions and need support, we’re here to help. You don’t have to
go through it alone—reach out today.

Have you ever left a conversation feeling confused, second-guessing yourself, or wondering if you're losing touch with reality? You might be experiencing gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation that's been getting significant attention lately, and for good reason. 

What is Gaslighting? 

​Gaslighting happens when someone makes you question your own perceptions, memories, or reality. It's a subtle yet devastating form of manipulation that can occur in relationships, workplaces, or even political discourse. The term comes from the 1944 film "Gaslight," where a husband deliberately dims the gas lights in their home while denying that anything has changed, causing his wife to question her sanity. 

Common Gaslighting Tactics 

Gaslighters typically employ several techniques: 

• Denying or twisting facts: "I never said that—you must be remembering it wrong."
• Minimizing feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive." 
• Projection: Accusing you of behaviors they're actually exhibiting. 
• Isolation: Gradually cutting you off from supportive friends and family.

The Mental Health Impact 

The effects of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting. Victims often experience: 

• Chronic self-doubt and confusion 
• Anxiety and depression 
• Difficulty trusting themselves and others 
• Loss of identity and self-esteem 
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness 

Red Flags to Watch For 

You may be experiencing gaslighting if you: 

• Constantly apologize or feel the need to justify yourself
• Feel confused or "crazy" after interactions with someone 
• Question your memory of events despite clear recollection 
• Find yourself increasingly dependent on one person for validation 
• Walk on eggshells to avoid conflict

Phrases to Use When You Feel You're Being Gaslit 

When you recognize gaslighting happening, these phrases can help you maintain your reality: 

1. "I know what I experienced, and I trust my perception." 
2. "We seem to remember this differently, but that doesn't invalidate my experience."
   
3. "I'm not comfortable with you telling me how I should feel." 
4. "I need time to think about this conversation." 
5. "This is my reality, and it's valid regardless of whether you agree." 
6. "I'm confident in what I saw/heard/experienced." 
7. "My feelings are legitimate, even if you don't understand them." 
8. "We can disagree without one of us being wrong." 

Finding Support and Healing 

If you recognize these patterns in your life, remember that you're not alone. Consider reaching out to: 

• A trusted friend or family member who can provide perspective 
• A mental health professional who understands psychological manipulation
• Support groups for survivors of emotional abuse 

​Recovery from gaslighting involves rebuilding trust in yourself and your perceptions. With support and self-compassion, you can reclaim your reality and strengthen your sense of self. 

Remember: Your experiences are valid. Your feelings matter. And you deserve relationships built on mutual respect and honesty.

A Mental Health Perspective on Setting Communication Boundaries ​

In our hyper-connected world, we often feel compelled to respond to every notification, comment, or opinion that comes our way. But here's a powerful truth that we emphasize in our practice: not everything deserves your response.

Why Do We Feel Like We Always Need to Respond?

It’s easy to feel like we have to respond to everything, isn’t it? Many clients come to us experiencing anxiety around digital communication and social obligations. This is what we have observed as common patterns:

●  Feeling guilty about not immediately responding to messages
●  Experiencing anxiety when leaving conversations unresolved
●  Becoming emotionally exhausted from constant engagement
●  Struggling with boundaries in personal and professional relationships

This self-imposed obligation to respond instantly drains our energy and feeds into a cycle of anxiety, where we feel guilty for taking the space we actually need to recharge and process things at our own pace. But how do we break the cycle?

Disengage Rather than Over-Engage

While giving a response might feel satisfying in the moment, it often triggers stress responses that can impact your mental well-being:

●  Elevated cortisol levels from ongoing confrontational discussions
●  Disrupted sleep patterns due to constant mental engagement
●  Increased anxiety from feeling obligated to manage others' reactions
●  Emotional drainage that can contribute to burnout

Taking a step back from constant engagement isn't just about avoiding conflict - it's about protecting your mental and physical wellbeing from the real physiological toll of always being "on." When we consciously choose to disengage, we give our bodies and minds the crucial recovery time they need, helping prevent the buildup of stress hormones that can lead to burnout and anxiety.

Opt for More Mindful, Less Reactive Interactions

As mental health professionals, we recommend asking yourself these questions before engaging:

1. Will your response contribute to solving a problem or bringing clarity?
2. Is the other person open to participating in respectful dialogue?
3. Does this matter to you personally, or are you reacting to external pressure?
4. How will this response impact your current mental state?

Mindful communication emphasizes thoughtful, purposeful exchanges over constant back-and-forth. By taking time to craft clear messages and respond with intention, we can actually communicate more effectively while saying less.

Step Back So You Can See the Whole Picture Clearly

Learning to step back is a crucial skill for mental wellness. Consider disengaging when:

●  The interaction triggers anxiety or stress responses
●  You notice physical tension or emotional disregulation
●  The conversation mirrors unhealthy relationship patterns
●  Your emotional resources are already depleted

Sometimes we get so caught up in the details of every message and interaction that we lose sight of the bigger picture and our own wellbeing signals.

Build Healthy Communication Patterns

In our practice, we work with clients to develop sustainable communication strategies that protect their mental health while maintaining meaningful connections. This includes:

●  Setting clear boundaries around response times
●  Developing scripts for gracefully exiting unproductive conversations
●  Practicing self-validation when choosing not to engage
●  Creating routines for digital wellness and mental rest

By establishing clear boundaries and giving ourselves permission to communicate on our own terms, we can build more meaningful connections while keeping our mental wellbeing intact.

Consider Professional Support for Your Journey

Please remember: Setting boundaries in communication is a vital aspect of mental health care. If you're struggling with the anxiety of always needing to respond or setting healthy boundaries, our therapists are here to help you develop personalized strategies that align with your well-being. Whether through in-person or virtual therapy, we're committed to supporting you in building communication patterns that foster peace and emotional well-being.

Contact us to learn more about how we can support your journey in prioritizing your mental well-being.  

Getting a grip on your emotions during the holiday season can be challenging, maybe even more so than resisting your third piece of pumpkin pie. While some people may seem to be filled with holiday cheer, others might feel overwhelmed, facing stress and anxiety. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people dealing with mental health challenges reported that their holiday cheer takes a turn for the worse. So, how can you maintain your composure? When the crunching of leaves underneath your feet and the warmth of a cup of apple cider in your hands aren't enough to brighten your mood, here are some suggestions that can be useful to manage your emotions around the holidays.

Your Feelings Are Always Valid: The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy and cheer; however, if you're not feeling the holiday spirit, that’s okay. Instead of burying your feelings like leftover food from Thanksgiving, why not acknowledge them? It’s perfectly acceptable to experience a full range of emotions during the holidays, including those that aren’t particularly cheerful. Think of these emotions as holiday guests: allow them to visit, but don’t let them overstay their welcome!

Be Kind to Yourself: Are you striving to be the perfect host during the holidays? If things don’t go as planned - perhaps the turkey gets burnt, the mashed potatoes turn lumpy, or there's an unexpected visit from Uncle Bob (I thought he was going to be in Hawaii this year!) - just go with the flow! Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to your best friend. You would reassure your best friend by saying, "It's okay, you've got this!" So why not offer yourself the same encouragement? Practicing kindness towards yourself can help lower feelings of anxiety and depression, improve your ability to handle the stressors of daily life, and enhance your self-esteem!

Prioritize Your Time: As the festivities ramp up, utilize your planner and create a daily schedule. Visualizing your activities can save you from those last-minute freakouts that make you want to take cover under a pile of blankets. Also, it’s acceptable to say “no” to some plans! Prioritize yourself and focus on what matters to you. This will help you dodge those extra social happenings that clash with some much-needed ‘me’ time. Furthermore, reducing your social media scrolling can declutter your mind and spare you from constant comparisons, such as feeling less happy and successful than Peggy from the book club (we all know Peggy tends to exaggerate). Your mental well-being will thank you!

Physical Health Impacts Mental Health: According to the Mental Health Foundation (MHF), physical health problems significantly increase our risk of developing mental health problems. So keep nurturing your body! Drink plenty of water, monitor that ‘holiday cheer’, get moving and stay active, stick to your normal sleep schedule, and balance out all those festive treats with healthier options. Did your favorite team just give up a 14-point lead against their archrival? Remember to breathe - deep breathing can help relieve stress and anxiety.

Reach Out for Help: For some, the holidays are hard. They can remind us of things we no longer do or those who are no longer here. Unfortunately, no amount of twinkling lights and sugar cookies can fix the hurt that so many have during this time of year. So if you're feeling a bit down, don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or loved one to share the holiday feels! If the weight of the world feels like a heavy blanket, chatting with a mental health professional can truly be a lifesaver. We here at Sandhill Counseling & Consultation are here to help! Just remember, if things get a little too intense, don’t be afraid to seek emergency help—because no one should be left out in the cold!
​
Self-care should be proactive, not reactive, all year round. It's crucial to prioritize this during the holiday season, as the added stress from family gatherings, financial pressures, busy schedules, and social obligations can be overwhelming. Remember, it’s okay to not be okay. Be kind to yourself, nurture your body, and don’t hesitate to seek support. Embrace these practices to fill your holiday season with joy and laughter while keeping stress at bay. Cheers to a wonderful holiday season!

What is gratitude? Is it a feeling, a personality trait, a virtue, an attitude or an action? I believe it is all the above. The definition from the Oxford dictionary states that “gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” Robert Emmons, PhD, who has done extensive research on gratitude and joy describes gratitude as having two parts: affirmation of goodness and recognition that the sources of goodness are outside of ourselves. Basically, recognizing what we are thankful for but also to whom we are thankful.

Have you ever met someone who has a joyful and positive attitude, no matter what stressors they may feel or hardships they endure? Recent research shows that this positive and joyful attitude occurs mostly in people who practice gratitude regularly. Fr. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest and founder of The Center for Action and Contemplation, shared, “It is not joy that makes us grateful, but gratitude that makes us joyful.” When we express, receive, or witness gratitude, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin. This immediately enhances feelings of happiness, calm, focus, motivation, and contentment.

Recent research has shown these benefits of practicing gratitude consistently:

• Improves physical health
• Enhances psychological health
• Increases empathy and reduces aggression
• Improves sleep quality
• Boosts self-esteem

So, how do we practice gratitude daily? Here are some ideas:

1. Write down what you are grateful for. It could be small things like a good cup of coffee or big things like the health of my children. Some find it helpful to make journaling about gratitude a part of their daily or weekly routine.
2. Take notice of things around you: the air you breathe, the sunshine on your face, the wind blowing through the trees, the laugh of your loved ones, the smile of a stranger, the thoughtfulness of a coworker.
3. Write a gratitude letter to someone.
4. Start a new habit around the dinner table where everyone shares 1 or 2 things they are grateful for.
5. Show gratitude to strangers: a smile in the grocery store, a wave when another driver lets you into traffic, a “good morning” to the worker at the gas station.
6. Spend time quietly meditating on blessings in your life

There are so many more ways to practice gratitude, but the key is to take the time to focus on gratefulness. Maybe this month of November with Thanksgiving coming up is a good time to start practicing gratitude. Give it a try. It will enhance your life as well as those around you.

​Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. In 2022, the CDC found that almost 50,000 Americans died by suicide. Among 10 to 14 year olds, suicide is the second leading cause of death, and among those who are 15 to 24, it is the third leading cause. According to the Jason Foundation, more young adults die by suicide than cancer, heart disease, AIDS, pneumonia, and influenza combined.

Let that sink in for a moment. Our children and early adolescents are struggling, oftentimes silently.

While in many ways we have made strides in the field of mental health towards normalizing depression and suicidal thoughts, we still have a long way to go. Children who have thoughts or urges to end their lives oftentimes fear the reactions of trusted adults. Will they send me to the hospital? Will they think I’m just trying to get attention? Adolescents might share more readily with their peers, but their friends often don’t know what to do with this information either. Their friends might also be struggling and have the same questions of what might happen if they tell an adult.

The reality is that as a society we are still uncomfortable talking about suicide. We speak in euphemisms or hushed tones when we need to be speaking loudly and frequently. It is not an exaggeration to say that we have an epidemic of suicide among our adolescents.

All the research says that talking about suicide does not increase rates of suicide. So talk about suicide with kids in age appropriate ways. Be direct in your approach, especially if you have noticed any of the warning signs of suicide, which in youth include withdrawing from friends, increased depression, sleeping less or more often, and extreme mood swings. Ask them directly if they are having thoughts of killing themselves.

Another important thing to do with adolescents, whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, or any other adult around children, is to model vulnerability. Be honest about your own mental health struggles and that you get anxious or depressed too. This will create an environment in which adolescents feel more comfortable sharing their own thoughts and feelings.

Connection and communication are two of our most powerful tools against suicide. In her novel Delirium, Lauren Oliver reflects on the hidden quality of suicide in our culture: “Suicide. A sideways word, a word that people whisper and mutter and cough: a word that must be squeezed out behind cupped palms or murmured behind closed doors. It was only in my dreams that I hear the word shouted, screamed.” In this passage, Oliver highlights the disconnect between the interior world of someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts and the world around her that remains silent. We must not be silent anymore.

If you or someone you care about is experiencing thoughts of suicide, there are numerous resources available to help you navigate this crisis. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, which is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also just dial 988. If you are in the St. Louis area, you can call Behavioral Health Response 24 hours a day at 314-469-6644.

Numerous resources in St. Louis exist specifically for teenagers who are experiencing suicidal thoughts. The St. Louis County Children’s Service Fund operates a Youth Connection Helpline. This is a 24/7 helpline to help teenagers and their caregivers navigate a suicide crisis. You can call 314-819-8802 or text BHEARD (31648) to be connected to a trained mental health professional. KUTO (Kids Under Twenty One) is a local organization that has a crisis intervention hotline run by teenagers. It operates weekdays from 4 pm to 10 pm and on weekends from 4 pm to midnight. Teens can call 314-644-5886 to receive confidential support from other teens.
​
Let’s work together to destigmatize suicide. Let’s talk about it without fear.

Every year it comes sooner than the last, but it comes all the same. The end of summer vacation, and for many, the beginning of the school year. Parents may be excited and even relieved for their children to return to school, but this time of year can also be fraught with stress. Figuring out schedules and navigating transitions can be tricky, and children may be nervous about making new friends, meeting new teachers, and finding their place in new classrooms or even entire buildings. Many children may be reluctant to return to school due to negative experiences with peers or difficult classes. 

It is important to draw on our capacity for empathy when children express fear or reluctance to return to school, whether we are in their lives as caregivers, teachers, or other professionals or family members. Sadly, many of us may have had painful experiences associated with school and did not feel like we had anyone in our corner to support us when times were tough. For myself, I enjoyed the learning aspect of school, but dealt with severe bullying throughout grade school that left me crying when I came home nearly every day. I wish that our tiny school had been equipped with a counselor, or that my parents were aware of or had received any sort of guidance on how to support me emotionally. My childhood experiences became the groundwork for my future career as a therapist, because I wanted to turn what I went through into something positive. I wanted to make a difference for children who may be bullied, feel stressed, or struggle to find a sense of belonging. 

Now that several years have passed, I look back on myself as a child and think “She really could have used a hug” or “All she wanted was someone to listen.” As adults, we hold a responsibility to provide children with the love and support they need in order to explore the world and find their own values and dreams. A significant step on this journey is to foster children’s interest in education – whether they love to create art, solve math problems, write stories, or conduct science experiments. Here are some suggestions that may prove useful as we navigate the back-to-school rush. 

1. Start – and stick with - a routine. This is much easier said than done, but children (and adults!) of all ages respond positively to consistent, manageable routines. A routine creates familiarity and helps children learn what to expect while practicing self-discipline. Learn your child’s school schedule and factor in breaks, meals, family time, and relaxation outside of classes, sports, and clubs. Set clear, reasonable expectations regarding screen time. Try to stick to a relaxed version of your routine on weekends and days off as well, so that Monday isn’t so daunting when it rolls around again. 
2. Familiarize yourself and your child with their school environment. If possible, attend any open-house or orientation that your child’s school may offer. Get to know your child’s teachers and see the school from a student’s perspective. If your child is unable to attend themselves, ask them if there is anything they would like to know that you might be able to learn on their behalf and relay back to them. Having first-hand knowledge of your child’s school can help you connect better when they tell you about their day. 
3. Encourage your child to share their feelings - and listen to them. Some children may be more upfront about their worries than others; others may be waiting for an opportunity to share with you, but never feel as though it’s the right time. Before the first day, make time for your child to share with you any fears or worries they have about the upcoming school year – whether it’s something big or seemingly small, it is important to validate your child’s feelings (never dismiss them) and let them know you are there for them and appreciate their willingness to share. Ensure your child has the space to speak about their experiences without interrupting them. Encourage your child to be open with their feelings and know that you are someone they can trust. If your child has a counselor or therapist, encourage them to be honest with those trusted professionals as well. The more that we know, the more we can help. 
4. Celebrate the joys and praise positive behaviors. School doesn’t always have to be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad thing. Celebrate when your child gets a sticker for the day, or makes a new friend, or scores a goal. Share in their excitement about having pizza for lunch or being able to overcome their nervousness and ask the teacher for help when they need it. Trophies and certificates aren’t everything – sometimes our greatest, most meaningful rewards can be a hug or an “I’m so proud of you” from a loved one. This isn’t to say that you should throw a party every time something remotely good happens but try to focus more on the positives than the negatives, especially if your child struggles with behavioral and emotional difficulties in school. 
5. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. Fortunately, many schools nowadays are equipped with incredible faculty and staff who genuinely care for children of all ages and want to see them succeed. Establish a good rapport with your child’s teachers at the beginning of the school year and ask that they check in with you regarding any significant concerns or accomplishments. When appropriate, provide updates on your child as they pertain to school – are they coming back from a rough weekend? Has there been a recent loss in the family? Has your child started any new medication? Check in with your school counselor or social worker about community resources including therapy, support groups, and activities to utilize at home to help your child thrive emotionally, mentally, and physically. Parents and caregivers need to take care of themselves too – and it’s a good thing to reach out for help when you feel like you or your child need it. 

Of course, all children are different and have varying strengths, values, and struggles. What may be easy for one family may not be as feasible for another. We cannot protect our children from everything and should never expect to shield them from every single negative experience, but we can do our best to provide loving, nurturing care and support to encourage them to participate in school and find appropriate solutions to any issues they may have. When your child comes to you for help or reassurance, remember just how much you mean to them. You don’t have to have all of the answers – I’d be shocked if anyone did – but remember to reach out for help when you need it, lend an ear to your child’s worries and accomplishments alike, give your child the opportunities they need to grow, and be an active part of your child’s educational experience.