Why Couples Counseling?

Often, the most difficult step in therapy is taking the action to begin. Therapy is joyous, fulfilling, scary, exhausting, life-changing, and one hundred other things to countless others. Sitting in a room with a relative stranger, discussing the most vulnerable aspects of your life, can feel like a daunting challenge. But is it worth it?
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Much of the feedback I get as a therapist to individuals, couples, and families is, “Why didn’t I come in sooner?” This feels especially poignant when it comes to couples. There is a unique level of distress that occurs in each of us when we find ourselves in relationships that “just do not work.” There are few people in the world that can elicit the emotional highs of love and the miserable lows of rejection than our romantic partners or spouses. To steal a quote found on motivational posters across therapy offices, worldwide, “If you want something you have never had, you must do something you have never done.” The goal of couples counseling, like any counseling, is to elicit change in the most positive sense. It is finding something new by doing something new, and most importantly, we are not doing it alone.

How is Couples Counseling Different?

Couples counseling is unique in that it is relational, in nature. Many individuals come to therapy wanting to discuss the difficult relationships in their lives. Of course, they do because they recognize the powerful impact these relationships have on their emotional wellbeing. However, imagine coming to therapy, receiving positive feedback regarding your relational conflict, learning the tricks and tips to effective communication, taking these newfound strategies to your partner, only to find yourself falling back into the same old argument in same old ways. Very frustrating. Now imagine a scenario where you and your partner are learning these strategies together, inviting each other into new ways of communication that allows each other to be heard and seen. Inevitably, like in life, conversation will sour, feelings will be hurt, defenses will rise. But now you have an ally to turn to. Your couple’s counselor is your guide. That is, until you learn the map yourselves. Then your path is your own, but you are no longer walking it alone.
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Like anything in life that requires openness, trust, and vulnerability, it is scary. The conclusion is unknown. There are no guarantees except this: If you are feeling hopeless in your relationship, change is necessary. Therapy = Change.

As relationships go, friendships are different than other relationships we enter such as family and romantic partnerships, marriages, and people we work with, however coworkers and romantic partners can of course become friends, the structure is different. Friendships are relationships we choose to enter with another person that can often be fluid in their expression. Friendships often have less structure than more formal relationships such as marriages, romantic partnerships, and coworkers. Friendships can come and go over time and they can also last a lifetime.

What makes friendships so unique and important to us? We can benefit from both being a friend and having friends. We can contribute to better health in ourselves and in others when we make and maintain friendships. Friends can help us feel good, motivate us, and console us. Friends can boost our confidence and give us a sense of purpose. Friends can encourage us to make changes as we also support and encourage our friends. Having healthy friendships can increase life expectancy by lowering blood pressure and encouraging healthy habits. Friends can laugh with us and cry with us over time.

How can we make friends? Forming friendships peeks in the adolescent years, but this doesn’t mean we can’t make friends at other stages in our lives. It can be more difficult to make friends in adulthood. Here are some ways we can engage ourselves in friendship. Take up a new interest, join a club, volunteer in the community, become physically active in a sport, take a walk, or accept invitations from others. When we are open to friendship we benefit as do our new friends.

Once you have made a new friendship here are ways to maintain the friendship. Be kind, make yourself available to new friendships, be open to new friends and be a good listener in return.

Managing social anxiety is important for making new friends and can make friendships hard to seek out. Engaging in situations and activities that result in opportunities to make new friends can be helpful. Engage in mindfulness to assist in developing a positive approach to making friends. Manage thoughts of fearful social interactions by redirecting your thoughts to positive possibilities and away from fearful ones. Think of friendships as a benefit to your overall wellbeing.

Be yourself. Friends can come and friends can also go, your best friend is always yourself 😊

Many individuals in our society have been exposed to the concept of self-fulfillment, or perhaps accessing a “higher version of self” (sometimes identified as “wise mind,” the “true self”, “spiritual self”, “spiritual center”, or “authentic self”, etc.). All of these terms encompass what can widely be explained as the attempt to access and connect to our innate, authentic drives in life without the noise of outside influence. What is the benefit of this? Research shows the more attuned one feels with his/her/their own authentic self, acting in alignment with authentic needs, the greater the potential of experiencing a higher quality of life.

When children are born (assuming they are housed in a reasonably safe home with reasonably attuned parents), they do not comprehend or experience the fear of social pressures prior to acting on needs and urges: they cry, scream, and flail as many limbs as necessary until their needs are met. No infant is wondering to him/herself, “Will they judge me if I cry? Will they think less of me if I want more of this goopy cake pile mom gave me?” 

As children, we are constantly on the alert to threat to connection with our parents, and working tirelessly (albeit unconsciously) to maintain this vital biological need: connection and attunement. We learn that crying can make mom angry if done at the wrong time. We learn that making a goofy face makes dad smile, and that creates joy. As we age and move into the outside world, we learn that giggling uncontrollably can lead to getting mean looks from the ‘cool kids’ in our class. We learn how painful it can be to experience heartbreak, and work to ensure it “never happens again.” We experience a friendship go sour following an argument, leading to distance. When gaining exposure to the outside world, we become more keen on social pressures and norms- how does my experience in life impact or influence others’; how do I ensure I don’t experience the gut-wrenching pain of isolation? 

Though these often are not fully formed thoughts (ie, primarily unconscious, often until undergoing therapy or exposure to these concepts in other ways), these dynamics influence and in many ways set the stage for how we come to expect connection and attunement to look in life. When we were children, we learned the rules and followed this same protocol.

How did we accomplish this? We created defenses. 

“I have to be perfect or else I will lose everything."
“Look at me, I am super mom! I need no support ever, I got this!"
“I am the funny friend and I never get sad."
“Whenever I feel bad, I just go for a run! I don’t need to talk!"
“I love to help people, it’s the only thing I know I’m good at!"
“I don’t care about anyone, they can all just leave me alone.”
“I don’t care about how I feel- there is no point- let’s just go party!"
“I am just not good enough, there’s no real point in trying.”

Sound familiar? 
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Defenses are an essential part of living: they ensure we can survive the throes of pain and unavoidable suffering in life. They work to ascertain we can enhance the positive aspects of life to protect precious preserves of happiness. They are a universal function of being human. They also can greatly impact our life choices, leading us down a path of inauthenticity and into difficult territory. 

For example: Take a young person who has a strong propensity toward kindness, helping and being supportive to others. Set them up with a family complete with siblings and parents who are highly critical and demeaning of this behavior, believing it to be weak (e.g., perhaps it does not fit into the pre-established family norms passed down by generations before, where emotions are believed to be difficult and ‘in the way’ vs something to explore or empathize). This young person may learn that their family ties are under threat if they continue to display this warmth toward their brother when he ‘messes up’. Instead, this person may turn away from this warm interior in favor of a false persona-defense: “belittling emotions” becomes more normal for this young person, who may grow up to continue belittling others’ emotions, believing this is to be the normal/true way of life. They are more likely to end up with a group of friends, or a partner, who mirror these similar values, despite underlying discomfort and shame felt as a result of this discordance in underlying values/necessary defenses. This person, now believing this shame/discomfort is something to be avoided as opposed to explored (despite this being their initial impulse in life), is likely to utilize further defenses (perhaps drinking, drugs, avoidance, over-exercise, etc.) to manage these authentic impulses, pushing them further still from their authentic drive in life. 

Defenses are a natural part of being human: and when going unchecked, can take on a life of their own, leading to a poorer quality of life. Our defenses are often what bring us to therapy: “I am unhappy because my partner is unhappy.” “I am sad because I don’t feel good enough in any aspect of my life.” 

Therapy is what can help you come back home to yourself: accessing your true essence once more- the part of you that knows exactly what you need, and where, and why, and how- that gets concealed and calloused away as we experience life’s wounding nature. The best part about coming home to ourselves, is the possibility of the release of true pain and feeling becoming allowed, and the possibility there are others in the world experiencing life in the same raw and painful way you always have, also comes back online. We can actually feel that we already are safe and loved- and that we no longer have to work for it. 

“‘Finding yourself' is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. ‘Finding yourself’ is actually returning to yourself; an unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”
- Emily McDowell

In the past years there have been multiple instances where mental health and sports have been the talking point in their cohesive relationship with one another. Some recent events that come to mind are Simone Biles at the Summer Olympics, Damar Hamlin after his scary injury on the football field, and most recently National Hockey League banning pride and cancer awareness warmup jerseys. These are just some of the major reasons why I want to bring awareness to the mental status of sports, so we can help athletes understand their mental health can impact their
overall performance on and off the field.

The reason why this topic is so important to me is that I used to be an athlete who struggled with mental health, which impacted not only my growth as an athlete but my life outside of sports. I demonstrated signs of depression, low confidence, anxiety, and low self-esteem. After I retired from hockey, there was a part of me that wanted to investigate how to better my own mental health and help other athletes improve their confidence and mental health. I found four important areas to focus on when looking to improve an athlete’s mental health.

First, focus on things you can control, which is my attitude and my effort. When focusing on myself and not worrying about the past or future, the results will take care of itself. Other individuals' actions will not change what drives me forward.

Second, dream big, ignore those who doubt you, and never give up on a dream. Only yourself can decide your dreams. They can be fulfilled with hard work and a clear mind without distractions.

Third, choosing to have faith over fear. Let the heart carry the dreams and confidence in the abilities you worked so hard to master and achieve. Continuing to master the skills you want to be great at will shadow any fears or doubts you may have.

Fourth, loving what you do and attacking the day with a smile, joy, and enthusiasm. If there is a
passion deep in your heart for what you are doing, you will be able to climb mountains. Focusing
on that joy and the reason why you feel in love with what you are doing will help overcome even
the hardest of days.

For a moment consider the role safety plays in your life... in the life of others...in our world...

Our safety and sense of safety impacts every aspect of our lives. Our health, relationships, careers, quality of life... all heavily rely on our safety and sense of safety. When we experience a painful emotion or a problematic pattern repeating in our life we often jump into “fixing”, attempts to rationalize our way out of it, or some form of avoidance, none of which create deep and sustainable change. Safety however, creating and building safety and a felt sense of safety can lay the foundation for profound change.

There are real dangers in life that need to be acknowledged and addressed. If you don’t feel safe, this is a call to take an honest inventory and start moving in the direction of safety. Safety and a felt sense of safety are not created by judgement. If you find yourself saying “there is no reason for me to feel this way” or “logically, I am safe,” it is time to get more curious. Rather than trying to convince yourself, try to practice noticing, staying with, and being curious about what is actually coming up for you. We want to build more understanding so that we can start addressing
safety concerns and underlying needs.

Keep in mind what feels familiar or maybe even comfortable is not the same as what is safe. This can get pretty muddied up. When we are having trouble knowing the difference, it is helpful to think of a baby (human or animal) or a seedling. We protect these small beings from threats by being with them, not by locking them away from life. We handle them with care, gentle and slow with our movements. We talk softly. We don’t allow predators or harmful people to have access to them. We make sure their needs are met. Moving towards safety might mean we create distance between ourselves and someone who is causing us harm, start challenging harmful conditioning, practice setting boundaries, and begin engaging with self-compassion. It is hard work and sometimes the question of “What would I want for a little one, beloved pet, or best friend?” can give us the clarity we need to do the hard things.

As a practice, we can think about moments we have felt truly safe or attune to safety in the present moment. We can notice the conditions that are necessary for and contribute to our sense of safety. We can recognize that safety is a bodily experience and deepen our felt sense of safety by paying attention to the sensations that arise in our bodies. We can breathe into the sensations and experiences, letting them expand and get as big as they need to. Maybe we notice a softening or release of tension. Maybe there is an openness and relaxation in our posture. Maybe our breaths are a little slower and a little deeper. Maybe we feel a warmth especially around our heart. These are just examples, pay attention to what comes up for you.

If you can’t think of a time you actually felt safe, know that you are not alone, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, and I assure there is a reason. While working towards understanding those reasons and creating greater safety it is still possible to engage in building a felt sense of safety. We can use our imaginations like in Safe Space Guided Imagery and engage similarly to what is described above.

May we all know greater and greater safety.

In memory of the Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Tina Turner. What a beautiful and extraordinary example of what reclaiming safety and living fully looks like.

The death of Private First-Class Vanessa Guillen, stationed at the Fort Hood Army base, in April of 2020 has brought national attention to the capacity of sexual assault and harassment on service members. In March of 2023, Private Ana Basaldua Ruiz, also stationed at the Fort Hood Army base in Texas, was found dead after reporting her experiences of military sexual harassment to family members. Notably, sexual violence in the military occurs within the context of the history of long-established cultural norms. These once male-only and now heavily male-dominated armed forces have been called out by scholars for their appropriation of hyper-masculinity and promotion of notions that the ideal service member is strong, non-emotional, aggressive, and dominant.

Military Sexual Trauma (MST) is sexual contact marked by a use of force, threats, intimidation, abuse of authority and/or rank, and instances in which the person did not or is unable to consent Effects of Military Sexual Trauma | VA Mental Health - Mental Health. The Department of Defense (DoD) fiscal year 2021 annual reports revealed reported occurrences from about 8.4 percent of active-duty women and 1.5 percent of active-duty men; an estimated 35,875 active-duty service members that year (about 19,255 women and 16,620 men; DOD_Annual_Report_on_Sexual_Assault_in_the_Military_FY2021.pdf (sapr.mil). It is important to note that these statistics do not include unreported assaults or assaults from those not serving active-duty contract types (i.e., reserves, recently discharged, National Guard).

Most people experience a traumatic event at some point in their lives; including but certainly not limited to physical or sexual assault, crime victimization, serious medical injury, death of a spouse, sibling, or parent, and military combat exposure. The way humans respond to and heal from these traumatic events varies. MST and post-MST revictimization are preventable service-connected perils that produce various dangerous health consequences among U.S. servicemembers. MST is comparable to combat trauma in that they both have been associated with an
increased risk of physical, mental, and functional ramifications.

When analyzing the associations between MST and adverse mental health outcomes, researchers found high reports of anxiety, dissociative disorders, eating disorders, and personality disorders among veteran survivors. Commonly reported physical health conditions for survivors of MST include pelvic and menstrual pain, back pain, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, hypothyroidism, and chronic fatigue. These individuals are also at increased risk for positive HIV status and cardiovascular problems such as obesity, smoking, or a sedentary lifestyle. Functionally, sexual dysfunction, low sexual satisfaction, or sexual dissatisfaction were most reported among survivors of this crime.

Many major theories in social science and prevention science work can help make sense of the complexities surrounding MST and MST-related aftermath. Military rape subculture and how aspects of the military culture precipitate an environment where sexual assault thrives, where victimized service members are denied pertinent and fitting protection and justice, and where surviving veterans struggle to find adequate support services can be addressed through several existing theoretical perspectives. By improving our understanding of post-MST experiences, we may begin to acknowledge responses to sexual violence including advocacy, activism, coping,
post-traumatic growth, and survival techniques.

Over the past decade or so there has been a cultural resurgence around the tabletop game, Dungeons & Dragons. I have been playing D&D for almost 8 years. In that time, I have been able to explore intimate aspects of myself, my personality, strengthen my social skills, such as conflict resolution and problem solving, as well as develop and maintain deep, meaningful relationships with the people I have played with. Since becoming a therapist, I noticed that many of the benefits seen in play therapy are also present in Dungeons & Dragons, regardless of your age.

One of the most important components of D&D is the character you create for yourself to play in the game. I can recall road tripping with my friend and discussing for hours who my first character should be. There was so much to explore about my character’s personality, his back story, his family and why anyone with a lick of sense would decide to venture out into a dangerous world as an adventurer. Since playing D&D, I have been able to create characters that help me to explore different aspects of myself, that I otherwise would have never discovered.  I have used the many different characters that I have played to explore aspects of myself in a fun and unique way. Similarly, many people have found that D&D has been a safe space for them to explore topics like gender and sexual identity, religion, family relationships and more. By exploring these topics with a fictional character in a fantasy world, many can find resolution and closure when they were otherwise unable to.

​Playing Dungeons & Dragons also comes with a ton of practical skills. Patience, empathy, resiliency, critical thinking, and creativity are just few of the many different social skills that can be grown while playing D&D. Navigating a dangerous tomb riddled with traps gives players the opportunity to confront anxiety and fear of the unknown. Dealing with an unruly gang of thieves and bandits allows players to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in making a difference for their local community. Mourning the loss of a dead character gives players the chance to practice grieving, as well as developing empathy and connection with the other players in their group.

When immersed in the world of Dungeons and Dragons, players can often times experience a sense of agency that is not always possible in the real world. If players notice injustice, discrimination, or other forms of oppression in the fantasy world, their characters have the power to make a difference in changing those systems. This sense of empowerment often times is carried over from the fantasy world into the real world. Additionally, the time spent building a story with the other players can lead to deep and long lasting friendships. These connections develop a powerful social support system for players and offer a sense of community.

​Dungeons and Dragons is a wonderful tabletop role playing game where players are given the opportunity to express themselves in ways they may not be able to otherwise. Experiences in the game can lead to closure and resolution to issues outside of the game, as well providing a safe environment to explore intimate aspects of ourselves. D&D grants opportunities to build upon our social skills as well as empowering us to make a difference in our own communities. The only question left at this point is: “How do you want to do this?”

We likely are not strangers to the idea that random acts of kindness are a beneficial experience for us and for the recipient of our kindness. Did you know there is a Random Acts of Kindness Foundation whose mission is to make kindness the norm? What a wonderful idea! Kindness is good for us.

What are the many ways being kind is good for us? There is some cool science behind kindness. It turns out kindness is catching. Studies show when we engage in kindness it benefits both us and the recipients of our kindness by reducing our stress, anxiety, and depression through the release of the hormones Serotonin, which makes us feel better, Endorphins which reduce pain and Oxytocin which lowers blood pressure and makes us feel more loving and loved. Simply witnessing an act of kindness between others can have a positive benefit on us and encourage us to also engage in kindness.

How do we prepare ourselves to engage in acts of kindness in our busy world we live in. To reap the benefits of acts of kindness for ourselves and others, building a habit offers an opportunity to include acts of kindness in our everyday interactions. Making a list of random acts of kindness we feel comfortable and able to perform can help us establish this habit by choosing one act a day to engage in.

Here is a simple list to help you build an acts of kindness habit:

• Look one person in the eye and smile, say thank you or have a nice day
• Open a door for another person
• Ask someone about their day
• Send an encouraging email
  

Watch your habit grow and catch on as you add more acts of kindness to your daily routine. Notice how much better you feel adding acts of kindness to your daily life and the lives of others.

Start by visiting Random Acts of Kindness Foundation https://www.randomactsofkindness.org

Ah, the New Year
The start of something new
A fresh start,
A new beginning
A brand new something or another
Whatever you wish to call it:
Happy New Year to you!

And how often have we each heard 
Shortly after this exclamation:
“What’s your New Year's resolution?”

The excitement of something new
So forcibly stripped and reoriented
Inevitably away from the celebration,
The potential of the new year with its unknown feelings and unknown outcomes
And forcibly toward something more tangible,
More serious, stressful:
Productivity, work–
The ideal that we must continue to do more.
We may as well just ask, 
“What’s your plan to be happier by being more productive?”

Before I go on
Let’s not pretend that productivity is useless
Productivity keeps us moving–it creates focus
Motivation, energy;
It certainly helps to create and sustain a life force
The forward momentum that we have come to reliably value
More than many other resources available to us
Such as those stereotypical therapy ones:
Meditation, connection, slowing down to feel.

Yawn.
“Where’s the forward momentum there?”
“What am I working toward by slowing down?”

Ah, yes. Welcome to the United States of America.

While I cannot answer this specific dilemma
As each response would and should be quite individualistic,
I can offer a question to reflect on in turn: 
Why must you move forward?

Our society attempts to 
Create forward momentum

By creating backward ideals:
“I can feel better, calmer, if I just work harder.”

But let’s get more specific, and 
Let’s talk about one of the most common New Year’s Resolutions in the US:
“I can feel better, calmer, if I just lose weight.”

The old reliable tactic
The ongoing battle
The seemingly endless vacuum
That is information on how to lose weight
How this is the year
Those before pictures will finally
Yield those “after” results

I have personally worked with dozens of individuals
Fighting this very battle: the one between will power and the body
But in time realizing they are actually fighting something 
They didn’t realize they were actually at war with:
The raging inferno that is the fight between who they are, and who they wish to be

Though this is a rather large concept:
The relationship one has with oneself and why,
It is one we all battle, whether consciously or not
And often times it manifests most clearly 
In the angry thoughts we hold toward the way our bodies
Look, feel, seem, act...
The anger we can hold toward how they “work.”

“Why do I have to feel this way?” “No one else feels this way.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I can’t be tired yet.”
“Ugh, how do I still not have a thigh gap?” “Why did I eat so many Reeses?"

This relationship we have with our bodies
Can offer a glimpse into the true world of our uncertainty
“Who am I really, and how does my body reflect this?”
And why is it my body has to be 
A mirror for the world to see?
What is it about what is happening inside my body
Whether in emotion, sensation, or physically
That drives me up the wall
And leads me to make changes
And how closely tied is this
To my own personal sense of value?

It certainly begs the question,
How is my relationship with myself,
even if these goals aren’t met?
What does my external body need to show
in order to reflect how I want to be seen internally?

Does being fit equate to being driven, motivated, successful?
Does being unfit equate to laziness, boredom, shame, or guilt?
How might I be trying to solve my inside problems 
By “fixing” my outsides?

While exercise and nutrition can be vital components to leading a healthy and happy lifestyle
It is important to not lose sight of what is also important:
The relationship we hold with ourselves.
May your New Year be full of happiness and connection–both with yourself, and with others
And may your resolution be to move toward greater self-cohesion and acceptance
Versus toward another plot to take yourself down. 
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And while certainly not all of us struggle
Between the relationship between the body and the sense of self,
My hope is you will consider these reflections of true motive,
As you continue to ponder your relationship with productivity.

The holiday season is upon us and the new year is approaching fast. Our traditions, at their best, are how we mark time and connect to meaning in life. This can be a time to gather, celebrate, reflect, and set intentions. I hope we’re able to do all that AND it is cold- it is dark- many of us are running on fumes. Times like these highlight the complexity of being human and intensify our emotions. We might experience a longing for connection and challenging family dynamics that lead to isolation, fatigue and the pressure to do it all, being surrounded by people and feeling alone, ideas about how things “should” be and the reality of how they really are, ideals of “the most wonderful time of year” and unrelenting grief. It can all be overwhelming and disorienting.

What I most often see and experience in moments of overwhelm is either a shutdown (think feeling numb/disconnected) or a panicked what’s wrong with me and how to do I fix it so I can do more. These are natural responses, sometimes getting us by short-term, and long-term end up wreaking havoc.

It is important to be mindful that we ourselves and others are likely experiencing many intense feelings this time of year. If we feel ourselves slipping into overwhelm, or suddenly just wake up there, it is time to take a break. I mean full on stop. Yes, problem solving and processing are important, and in a state of overwhelm none of us come up with solutions or helpful interpretations.

Step out of the chaos for a moment- This might look like taking a quiet moment in the bathroom, a walk around the block, or acknowledging a worried part and asking it to slow down so we can effectively address what’s coming up.

Reorient- We are physical bodies, this means we first reorient ourselves by grounding in our senses, establishing physical safety, and breathing deep into our bellies.

Acceptance- I know this word can be tricky. Think of a map. Acceptance is just saying these are my current coordinates. You are not saying that what happened to you that led to these coordinates was okay, that this is where
you want/planned to be, that you like where you are, or that you will be staying in this place. Simply, this is where I am right now.

The next right action- Engage with compassion. It may help to think of what you would want for a loved one. Be clear on what is and isn’t within your control, establish realistic expectations and boundaries, and connect back to your values. Take your next action from this place.

Our wellbeing is so much more about embracing the fullness and complexity of our
experiences, who we are, and what we need in any given moment than about trying
harder or pretending everything is ok.