The Season of Love

by Sean Reilly, MS, LMFT

Every February, countless individuals flock to their local jeweler, florist, or Walgreens to pick up that special gift for that special someone in their life. Friends, parents, siblings, partners…regardless of the special someone, Valentine’s Day is a reminder to show them how much we care. And though the chocolate is delicious, and the new flowers brighten the room just right, there are more significant ways to show our love for others...and ourselves.
    
Love Each Other

Famous songwriter/musician, James Woods, tells us to, “Shower the people we love with love,” and while we all strive to meet his call to action, there are times when the shower may barely be a sprinkle, and the magic of love has been replaced with something more reliable and consistent, albeit mundane. Below are some helpful reminders of how to stoke the fires of love without a trip to Tiffany’s.
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1. Be Curious – Whether you have been together for 3 months or 30 years, there is plenty to learn about the inner workings of your partner. Each of us holds a unique understanding of the world around us, and in order for us to understand and accept our partner, we must understand and accept the meaning they make of the world. Don’t rely on old assumptions. Allow your partner to be the expert on themselves and invite their perspective whenever possible. When in doubt, ask.
2.  Be Grateful – Express gratitude whenever possible to your partner. Often, we make the assumption that our partner knows exactly how much we appreciate them. Unless your partner has developed mind-reading abilities, assume they don’t know how you feel. Let them know, daily, why you are appreciative of them. No act is too small to express gratitude.
3.  Be Receptive – Your number one priority as a partner is to ensure that you are open to the wants and needs of your own partner. This does not mean you have to agree with your partner on everything. Disagreement, when expressed respectfully, is very healthy in a relationship. Receptivity is about dropping your own defenses and insecurities long enough to let your partner know that their needs are important and should be listened to with respect.
4.  Be Adventurous – Finally, what is a romantic partnership without a little (or a lot of) fun? Not every romantic partnership is rooted in adventurous behaviors like skydiving, mountain climbing, or bungee jumping. If that’s not you, no problem! Adventures come in all sizes and experiences. Try something new with your partner. Go to a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Take that cooking class you’ve been putting off. Start a new book together. Adventure is what you make it, but above all, it should be fun, and it should be done together.

Love Yourself

For some of us it is easy, even a delight, to spread love freely and abundantly, but we find the pitcher empty when it comes time to fill our own cup. Here is some loving advice on how to be more loving to yourself.

1. Be Kind - First and foremost, kindness is an essential quality to all interactions with ourselves. We are too quick to criticize or punish ourselves for perceived mistakes. In the name of self-improvement, we can bury ourselves in “projects, diets, routines, and regimens” which serve only as reminders of failure, rather than acknowledgement of growth. Remind yourself, regularly, of what you do well. Take time every day to remind yourself of what you have achieved, small and large.
2. Be Forgiving – Forgiveness can be seen as an act of kindness, but it is an essential practice in self-love. We are often quick to forgive those who wrong us but hesitant to offer ourselves the same grace. Life is full of trial and error. The significance of failure is the experience one gains in the process. What meaning do we choose to make of our shortcomings, and do we choose to recognize the courage in trying but falling short? What would you say to a friend or loved one who made a mistake? Try this approach for yourself.
3. Be Mindful – In other words, “Be Here Now.” Mindfulness is fully diving into the present moment without judgment. Far too often, we find ourselves lost in the regrets of the past and the worries of the future. In the process, we miss out on life where it truly exists – in the present moment. Mindfulness can be done any time, anywhere, in nearly any activity. It only requires that you ground yourself to the moment and not allow your mind to latch on to thoughts and emotions outside of the moment. Easier said than done! Try taking a walk outside without music, podcasts, or videos. Simply use your senses to hear the sounds around you, to feel the wind on your face or the sun on your neck. When a thought enters the mind, simply notice it an come back to the physical sensations you are experiencing.
4. Be Intentional – Whether it is love for ourselves or others, love is intentional, and it is work. Many assume that if we truly love someone (ourselves included), it should be easy. A more realistic assessment is that if we truly love someone, we are willing to work for it. While love may require effort, it can be highly rewarding. Be intentional with your love Make love a practice, not simply an emotion. Take time every day to share your love for self and others. Whether it be expressing gratitude to yourself or recognizing a moment of growth, make the time to express love. The job can wait. The text can wait. The loved one can wait. You are worth the time and the effort. Remind yourself of that.