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A Mental Health Perspective on Setting Communication Boundaries In our hyper-connected world, we often feel compelled to respond to every notification, comment, or opinion that comes our way. But here's a powerful truth that we emphasize in our practice: not everything deserves your response.
Why Do We Feel Like We Always Need to Respond? It’s easy to feel like we have to respond to everything, isn’t it? Many clients come to us experiencing anxiety around digital communication and social obligations. This is what we have observed as common patterns: ● Feeling guilty about not immediately responding to messages ● Experiencing anxiety when leaving conversations unresolved ● Becoming emotionally exhausted from constant engagement ● Struggling with boundaries in personal and professional relationships This self-imposed obligation to respond instantly drains our energy and feeds into a cycle of anxiety, where we feel guilty for taking the space we actually need to recharge and process things at our own pace. But how do we break the cycle? Disengage Rather than Over-Engage While giving a response might feel satisfying in the moment, it often triggers stress responses that can impact your mental well-being: ● Elevated cortisol levels from ongoing confrontational discussions ● Disrupted sleep patterns due to constant mental engagement ● Increased anxiety from feeling obligated to manage others' reactions ● Emotional drainage that can contribute to burnout Taking a step back from constant engagement isn't just about avoiding conflict - it's about protecting your mental and physical wellbeing from the real physiological toll of always being "on." When we consciously choose to disengage, we give our bodies and minds the crucial recovery time they need, helping prevent the buildup of stress hormones that can lead to burnout and anxiety. Opt for More Mindful, Less Reactive Interactions As mental health professionals, we recommend asking yourself these questions before engaging: 1. Will your response contribute to solving a problem or bringing clarity? 2. Is the other person open to participating in respectful dialogue? 3. Does this matter to you personally, or are you reacting to external pressure? 4. How will this response impact your current mental state? Mindful communication emphasizes thoughtful, purposeful exchanges over constant back-and-forth. By taking time to craft clear messages and respond with intention, we can actually communicate more effectively while saying less. Step Back So You Can See the Whole Picture Clearly Learning to step back is a crucial skill for mental wellness. Consider disengaging when: ● The interaction triggers anxiety or stress responses ● You notice physical tension or emotional disregulation ● The conversation mirrors unhealthy relationship patterns ● Your emotional resources are already depleted Sometimes we get so caught up in the details of every message and interaction that we lose sight of the bigger picture and our own wellbeing signals. Build Healthy Communication Patterns In our practice, we work with clients to develop sustainable communication strategies that protect their mental health while maintaining meaningful connections. This includes: ● Setting clear boundaries around response times ● Developing scripts for gracefully exiting unproductive conversations ● Practicing self-validation when choosing not to engage ● Creating routines for digital wellness and mental rest By establishing clear boundaries and giving ourselves permission to communicate on our own terms, we can build more meaningful connections while keeping our mental wellbeing intact. Consider Professional Support for Your Journey Please remember: Setting boundaries in communication is a vital aspect of mental health care. If you're struggling with the anxiety of always needing to respond or setting healthy boundaries, our therapists are here to help you develop personalized strategies that align with your well-being. Whether through in-person or virtual therapy, we're committed to supporting you in building communication patterns that foster peace and emotional well-being. Contact us to learn more about how we can support your journey in prioritizing your mental well-being. by Dustin Godwin, LMSW Getting a grip on your emotions during the holiday season can be challenging, maybe even more so than resisting your third piece of pumpkin pie. While some people may seem to be filled with holiday cheer, others might feel overwhelmed, facing stress and anxiety. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people dealing with mental health challenges reported that their holiday cheer takes a turn for the worse. So, how can you maintain your composure? When the crunching of leaves underneath your feet and the warmth of a cup of apple cider in your hands aren't enough to brighten your mood, here are some suggestions that can be useful to manage your emotions around the holidays.
Your Feelings Are Always Valid: The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy and cheer; however, if you're not feeling the holiday spirit, that’s okay. Instead of burying your feelings like leftover food from Thanksgiving, why not acknowledge them? It’s perfectly acceptable to experience a full range of emotions during the holidays, including those that aren’t particularly cheerful. Think of these emotions as holiday guests: allow them to visit, but don’t let them overstay their welcome! Be Kind to Yourself: Are you striving to be the perfect host during the holidays? If things don’t go as planned - perhaps the turkey gets burnt, the mashed potatoes turn lumpy, or there's an unexpected visit from Uncle Bob (I thought he was going to be in Hawaii this year!) - just go with the flow! Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to your best friend. You would reassure your best friend by saying, "It's okay, you've got this!" So why not offer yourself the same encouragement? Practicing kindness towards yourself can help lower feelings of anxiety and depression, improve your ability to handle the stressors of daily life, and enhance your self-esteem! Prioritize Your Time: As the festivities ramp up, utilize your planner and create a daily schedule. Visualizing your activities can save you from those last-minute freakouts that make you want to take cover under a pile of blankets. Also, it’s acceptable to say “no” to some plans! Prioritize yourself and focus on what matters to you. This will help you dodge those extra social happenings that clash with some much-needed ‘me’ time. Furthermore, reducing your social media scrolling can declutter your mind and spare you from constant comparisons, such as feeling less happy and successful than Peggy from the book club (we all know Peggy tends to exaggerate). Your mental well-being will thank you! Physical Health Impacts Mental Health: According to the Mental Health Foundation (MHF), physical health problems significantly increase our risk of developing mental health problems. So keep nurturing your body! Drink plenty of water, monitor that ‘holiday cheer’, get moving and stay active, stick to your normal sleep schedule, and balance out all those festive treats with healthier options. Did your favorite team just give up a 14-point lead against their archrival? Remember to breathe - deep breathing can help relieve stress and anxiety. Reach Out for Help: For some, the holidays are hard. They can remind us of things we no longer do or those who are no longer here. Unfortunately, no amount of twinkling lights and sugar cookies can fix the hurt that so many have during this time of year. So if you're feeling a bit down, don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or loved one to share the holiday feels! If the weight of the world feels like a heavy blanket, chatting with a mental health professional can truly be a lifesaver. We here at Sandhill Counseling & Consultation are here to help! Just remember, if things get a little too intense, don’t be afraid to seek emergency help—because no one should be left out in the cold! Self-care should be proactive, not reactive, all year round. It's crucial to prioritize this during the holiday season, as the added stress from family gatherings, financial pressures, busy schedules, and social obligations can be overwhelming. Remember, it’s okay to not be okay. Be kind to yourself, nurture your body, and don’t hesitate to seek support. Embrace these practices to fill your holiday season with joy and laughter while keeping stress at bay. Cheers to a wonderful holiday season! by Lisa M. Eaton, MSW, LCSW What is gratitude? Is it a feeling, a personality trait, a virtue, an attitude or an action? I believe it is all the above. The definition from the Oxford dictionary states that “gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” Robert Emmons, PhD, who has done extensive research on gratitude and joy describes gratitude as having two parts: affirmation of goodness and recognition that the sources of goodness are outside of ourselves. Basically, recognizing what we are thankful for but also to whom we are thankful.
Have you ever met someone who has a joyful and positive attitude, no matter what stressors they may feel or hardships they endure? Recent research shows that this positive and joyful attitude occurs mostly in people who practice gratitude regularly. Fr. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest and founder of The Center for Action and Contemplation, shared, “It is not joy that makes us grateful, but gratitude that makes us joyful.” When we express, receive, or witness gratitude, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin. This immediately enhances feelings of happiness, calm, focus, motivation, and contentment. Recent research has shown these benefits of practicing gratitude consistently:
So, how do we practice gratitude daily? Here are some ideas:
There are so many more ways to practice gratitude, but the key is to take the time to focus on gratefulness. Maybe this month of November with Thanksgiving coming up is a good time to start practicing gratitude. Give it a try. It will enhance your life as well as those around you. Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and have a wonderful Thanksgiving. by Jill Storm, M.Ed, PLPC September is National Suicide Prevention Month. In 2022, the CDC found that almost 50,000 Americans died by suicide. Among 10 to 14 year olds, suicide is the second leading cause of death, and among those who are 15 to 24, it is the third leading cause. According to the Jason Foundation, more young adults die by suicide than cancer, heart disease, AIDS, pneumonia, and influenza combined.
Let that sink in for a moment. Our children and early adolescents are struggling, oftentimes silently. While in many ways we have made strides in the field of mental health towards normalizing depression and suicidal thoughts, we still have a long way to go. Children who have thoughts or urges to end their lives oftentimes fear the reactions of trusted adults. Will they send me to the hospital? Will they think I’m just trying to get attention? Adolescents might share more readily with their peers, but their friends often don’t know what to do with this information either. Their friends might also be struggling and have the same questions of what might happen if they tell an adult. The reality is that as a society we are still uncomfortable talking about suicide. We speak in euphemisms or hushed tones when we need to be speaking loudly and frequently. It is not an exaggeration to say that we have an epidemic of suicide among our adolescents. All the research says that talking about suicide does not increase rates of suicide. So talk about suicide with kids in age appropriate ways. Be direct in your approach, especially if you have noticed any of the warning signs of suicide, which in youth include withdrawing from friends, increased depression, sleeping less or more often, and extreme mood swings. Ask them directly if they are having thoughts of killing themselves. Another important thing to do with adolescents, whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, or any other adult around children, is to model vulnerability. Be honest about your own mental health struggles and that you get anxious or depressed too. This will create an environment in which adolescents feel more comfortable sharing their own thoughts and feelings. Connection and communication are two of our most powerful tools against suicide. In her novel Delirium, Lauren Oliver reflects on the hidden quality of suicide in our culture: “Suicide. A sideways word, a word that people whisper and mutter and cough: a word that must be squeezed out behind cupped palms or murmured behind closed doors. It was only in my dreams that I hear the word shouted, screamed.” In this passage, Oliver highlights the disconnect between the interior world of someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts and the world around her that remains silent. We must not be silent anymore. If you or someone you care about is experiencing thoughts of suicide, there are numerous resources available to help you navigate this crisis. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, which is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also just dial 988. If you are in the St. Louis area, you can call Behavioral Health Response 24 hours a day at 314-469-6644. Numerous resources in St. Louis exist specifically for teenagers who are experiencing suicidal thoughts. The St. Louis County Children’s Service Fund operates a Youth Connection Helpline. This is a 24/7 helpline to help teenagers and their caregivers navigate a suicide crisis. You can call 314-819-8802 or text BHEARD (31648) to be connected to a trained mental health professional. KUTO (Kids Under Twenty One) is a local organization that has a crisis intervention hotline run by teenagers. It operates weekdays from 4 pm to 10 pm and on weekends from 4 pm to midnight. Teens can call 314-644-5886 to receive confidential support from other teens. Let’s work together to destigmatize suicide. Let’s talk about it without fear. by Olivia Roland Something I encounter quite often when I talk about grief with other people is surprise. Many of my friends over the years have expressed that they have never considered the fact that grief shows up in the face of all kinds of loss, not just the death of a loved one. We can experience grief with the loss of a job, a beloved pet passing over the rainbow bridge, a romantic relationship ending, cutting contact with toxic family or friends, moving far away from the people and places you love to pursue new opportunities, and so much more. Any circumstance that leaves a significant void in your life will bring about some sort of grief. While the circumstances may differ from person to person, the core concept of grief remains the same - We mourn for what once was, what we wish we still had, the people that we miss. Change in any form is really hard, and we all struggle with loss at some point in our lives.
Grief is one of those touchy subjects that is still not talked about openly, and it tends to get hidden or compartmentalized in order to deal with everything else you have going on. But it doesn’t just go away or get easier when you don’t sit with it, sit in the feelings of loss and let yourself heal. This is the hardest part about navigating grief and loss. When friends gradually stop checking in as often, when you have to force yourself to resume normal life despite the pain, how do you handle that? Shutting down and becoming numb is an easy option, easier than openly displaying the grief and tears for the whole world to see. And the days may start to feel easier. Being around other people is a good distraction. But what about the night, when everything comes back up to the surface and you cry yourself to sleep? What about the nightmares, the insomnia, the painful memories that just won’t go away? How do you handle that? When the darkness inside you matches the darkness in the room, it threatens to swallow you whole. So how do you even begin to overcome that feeling? There are 3 things I like to focus on when I’m struggling with grief, and maybe they will be helpful to you too. 1. Self-Care This might seem obvious, but self-care when you’re struggling is so important and it can also be the first thing that gets put on the back burner. When you’re experiencing grief or depression, self-care doesn’t necessarily mean bubble baths and expensive skincare routines. Sometimes, when you’re at your lowest and can barely even get out of bed, self-care looks like making sure you stay hydrated and fed. This can also look like putting up sticky notes with affirmations, or spending time cuddling your pets. Staying in bed and feeling the feelings is incredibly important, but so is making sure your basic needs are met too. 2. Community Something I’ve learned recently that really surprised me is that my community is incredibly receptive and supportive when I reach out for help. I know it can be so hard to ask for help, and it’s so easy to feel like you’re a burden to friends. But friends are there for a reason, and you can absolutely lean on them in times of hardship and struggle. They can’t check in and support you if they don’t necessarily know you need that. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your people. Let them catch you and lift you up when you can’t do that for yourself. 3. The Little Things This is a big one for me. Usually when I start to feel a bit better, I want to surround myself with all the little things that bring me joy. A good cup of coffee, my favorite blanket, sitting in my living room at dawn and watching the sun stream through the windows and across the floor. I think it’s essential to look for the small things that make you happy, because in doing so you are reminded of what makes life worth it. The pit of grief can feel endless at times. And it’s okay to sit in that for however long you need. But it’s also important to make space for the things that are going well in your life or that simply bring you joy - loved ones, pets, a good book, going for a walk and enjoying the fresh air. Life is all about duality, the bad and the good existing at the same time. The grief and the joy. Looking for that light in the darkness will help you get to a place of healing and peace. by Rachel Kloppe, MA-MHC, LPC Every year it comes sooner than the last, but it comes all the same. The end of summer vacation, and for many, the beginning of the school year. Parents may be excited and even relieved for their children to return to school, but this time of year can also be fraught with stress. Figuring out schedules and navigating transitions can be tricky, and children may be nervous about making new friends, meeting new teachers, and finding their place in new classrooms or even entire buildings. Many children may be reluctant to return to school due to negative experiences with peers or difficult classes.
It is important to draw on our capacity for empathy when children express fear or reluctance to return to school, whether we are in their lives as caregivers, teachers, or other professionals or family members. Sadly, many of us may have had painful experiences associated with school and did not feel like we had anyone in our corner to support us when times were tough. For myself, I enjoyed the learning aspect of school, but dealt with severe bullying throughout grade school that left me crying when I came home nearly every day. I wish that our tiny school had been equipped with a counselor, or that my parents were aware of or had received any sort of guidance on how to support me emotionally. My childhood experiences became the groundwork for my future career as a therapist, because I wanted to turn what I went through into something positive. I wanted to make a difference for children who may be bullied, feel stressed, or struggle to find a sense of belonging. Now that several years have passed, I look back on myself as a child and think “She really could have used a hug” or “All she wanted was someone to listen.” As adults, we hold a responsibility to provide children with the love and support they need in order to explore the world and find their own values and dreams. A significant step on this journey is to foster children’s interest in education – whether they love to create art, solve math problems, write stories, or conduct science experiments. Here are some suggestions that may prove useful as we navigate the back-to-school rush.
Of course, all children are different and have varying strengths, values, and struggles. What may be easy for one family may not be as feasible for another. We cannot protect our children from everything and should never expect to shield them from every single negative experience, but we can do our best to provide loving, nurturing care and support to encourage them to participate in school and find appropriate solutions to any issues they may have. When your child comes to you for help or reassurance, remember just how much you mean to them. You don’t have to have all of the answers – I’d be shocked if anyone did – but remember to reach out for help when you need it, lend an ear to your child’s worries and accomplishments alike, give your child the opportunities they need to grow, and be an active part of your child’s educational experience. by Jake Bava, MA, PLPC Life often feels like a cycle of choices that need to be made over and over again. What do I want for dinner? What
should I wear today? Should I look for a new job? Do I want to stay in this relationship? Where do I go next with my life? Some of these decisions are pretty mundane. Others can feel incredibly overwhelming with stakes that feel more monumental than anything we’ve experienced before. Over time, these choices weigh on us and leave us feeling exhausted, insecure, lacking confidence and unsure about what the future holds. I was faced with this exact circumstance early on in my college experience. I convinced myself that I was going to be a pharmacist and join the medical field, helping people manage their medications and make sense of what they were taking. After failing the intro level biology course for the third time, I was faced with the paralyzing question: What do I do now? My entire life plan had been flipped on its head and I was left reeling from the shock, desperately trying to figure out where I fit in. The answer to this, and so many other questions in my life, were found by reflecting on my personal values and using them to guide my actions and decisions moving forward. I wanted to join the medical field so I could help people; however, the coursework was getting in my way. By understanding the importance that values like altruism, perseverance, and personal growth play in my life, I was able to better understand what the next best decision was for me. Those decisions lead me to pursue a career in mental health as a therapist. Where will your decisions lead you? If you want to find out, try this value identification exercise and see where it leads you. Step 1: Value Identification The first step in letting your values guide your decision making is identifying which values are most important to you. One of the easiest ways to do this is by making a values tier list. Find a list of values, like the one linked here (https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/DTL-Hub_Resources_05_Values.jpg) and sort them into one of three categories: unimportant, somewhat important, and very important. Be sure to take your time with this step. Don’t be afraid to look up words or values that you don’t understand. The key is to get curious and explore what it is for you that makes a value important. Not what is important to your parents or your friends or your peers, but what is important for YOU. Step 2: Reflection and Understanding Now that you have a better understanding of what values are important and which are not, you can start to explore the deeper meaning behind that. What is it about the values you chose that make them important? How have these values played a role in your life so far? How have they been absent or neglected in the past? What kind of future do you see for yourself if these values were more active in your thoughts and actions? These are all important questions that deserve consideration and exploration. Understanding what values are character defining for you and why those values are important gives a greater sense of purpose and meaning to all aspects of your life, whether mundane or monumental. Step 3: Values in Action You know what values are important for you, you know why those values are important and the significance that they hold in your story, the last step is figuring out how to put these values into action. This tends to be the most difficult step, but it is also the most rewarding. Some people find it helpful to have a model or several models that can provide examples of what values look like in action. Look at the list of important values you chose and think about people or characters that you feel live out these values on a day-to-day basis. These can be people you know personally, someone that you admire, or a fictional character from your favorite TV show, book or movie. Consider how these people put their values into action and look for areas of your own life where you can do the same. When faced with a question or a decision, ask yourself “What choice is most in line with my values?” With time and practice, this process will become second nature to you. by Jill Storm, M.Ed., PLPC April is the cruelest month. Or at least that’s what T. S. Eliot said in the opening line of his poem The Waste Land.
For many of us, Eliot’s thought defies expectations of what April should be. April is the advent of spring and of the earth’s annual rebirth. The trees are blooming. The squirrels are scurrying around. The birds are chirping, and the sun is shining far more. After months of awaiting spring, we are ready to feel better. This is especially the case for those who suffer from the winter blues, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). For many, it is certainly true that spring improves their mental health. They are able to get outside more and move their bodies, and the Vitamin D and increased daylight hours rejuvenates them. But for others, they wonder why their depression doesn’t improve. They might see all their friends or families posting on social media about their happiness and outdoor events and feel isolated. Because, unlike others, they aren’t better. The relief they expected with the change of the season didn’t come. For any of you who are feeling this, I want to reassure you that it’s okay not to be okay, even if it seems like everyone around you is waking up after a long winter. In fact, research has shown that April is a tough month for people’s mental health and consistently has been for at least a century. More individuals, particularly in the Northern Hemisphere, complete suicide in the months of April and May than at any other time of year. Lots of researchers have speculated on the possible reasons why. One theory is that spring allergies lead to physical inflammation, irritability, and increased impulsivity, all of which can increase suicide risk. Another theory is that we feel like we should be feeling better and when we don’t, we lose hope. This is the feeling of paradox Elliot was trying to capture in his poem. He writes, “April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.” In other words, the rebirth of spring makes us want to feel better. We desire more and instinctively raise the bar on who we can be and how we can feel. Eliot writes, “Winter kept us warm, covering earth in forgetful snow.” Many of us hunker down in winter and adjust our expectations. Then spring arrives and we hope for more. And hope can be a scary thing sometimes. Ultimately, researchers don’t know for certain exactly why suicide rates spike so high in April. What we do know is that talking about our mental health and realizing we are not alone in our sadness or pain can be the bridge we need towards feeling better. No matter what is going on inside your head or outside your window, realize that just as the seasons change, so too can our thoughts and feelings. In April, we might not bloom just when the daffodils do, and we might not feel like singing as loudly as the birds outside are chirping. Yet we can feel better in the future. And, in the meantime, it’s okay not to be okay. Seeking out help when you are struggling is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. Some ways to seek help if you are struggling this spring are to reach out to a mental health professional and make an appointment. If you are already seeing a therapist, let them know that you are having a hard time so that they can provide you with additional resources and create a safety plan for those tough moments. Additionally, there are numerous hotlines where you can seek immediate support. These include the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, which is 1-800-273- TALK (8255). You can also just dial 988. If you are in the St. Louis area, you can call Behavioral Health Response 24 hours a day at 314-469-6644. No one should suffer alone. by Olivia Roland, Office Coordinator Spring is one of my favorite times of year. The sun stays out later, flowers are blooming, and the fresh breeze blows through the open windows. I always feel happy when spring comes around again. It reminds me of all the little joys of life: a bright purple crocus peeking out of the still-dead winter grass, the sunlight shining through pink cherry tree blossoms, saying hello to neighbors and friends who are spending more time outside in the fresh spring air. Spring is alive, and I can’t help but feel alive too. Spring is a time that is synonymous to a fresh start. Spring is a clean slate, a rebirth. The world is waking up from a deep winter slumber, and many of us feel an itch to get out and do something new, or revive and refresh our living spaces. We clean the house top to bottom, we clean our cars, we finally donate those bags of clothes that have been sitting in closets or trunks for six months. We take more walks, enjoy more time with friends, and we seem to smile a whole lot more.
It’s undeniable that the change of seasons can motivate us to be more active and productive. In fact, this is natural and the way our bodies are supposed to respond subconsciously to the warmer weather. Many animals fully hibernate or become less active during the winter, and humans are no different. Yet almost none of us are actually able to do that when the weather becomes cold and the days get shorter. In today’s world, we simply cannot afford to slow down. We have so many responsibilities to juggle - a career, kids, school, chores at home, pets, friends, spouses, and the list goes on. There are simply not enough hours in the day and we don’t ever seem to have time to rest. We stretch ourselves too thin and many days seem too much to handle. This feeling is exacerbated by the long dark nights and cold gray days. The bleakness seems endless and we become numb and exhausted. After the Christmas lights of December fade into the monotony of January, we tend to go into survival mode. We have to remain just as busy (if not moreso) than we were in the fall, and yet we become more exhausted and burnt out because of the nature of winter. Our bodies tell us to slow down and we keep going at lightning speed because we must. So how do we overcome this burnout and depression that seems to rear its ugly head every winter? The answer is rest. At every stage, in every season of the year. We have to be intentional about building rest into our schedules ahead of time. Since we cannot usually slow down with the winter time, we must prepare for this season by planning ahead. Planning a weekend here and there with people who lift you up, using your PTO to take a vacation with your family, taking a weekend morning to sleep in and make breakfast in bed with your significant other, and even scheduling self-care. With these times of rest built into our schedules, we will be able to take on the busier seasons of our lives without burning out, and we always have something to look forward to. As you look forward to this lovely spring and a time of rejuvenation, don’t forget that even in spring you deserve rest so that you can face the seasons of winter in your life with a renewed sense of purpose and energy. |
JENNIFER EULBERG, MA, LPCWelcome Jennifer, our new blogger!
Jennifer is a counselor at Sandhill who specializes in depression, self-esteem, and grief & loss. Get to know Jennifer as she shares her perspectives on life, contemplates value themes, and offers gentle encouragement. THANK YOU to Stefanie Pisarkiewicz, LPC for her blog contributions from November 2014 - February 2019! Archives
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