Ah, the New Year
The start of something new
A fresh start,
A new beginning
A brand new something or another
Whatever you wish to call it:
Happy New Year to you!

And how often have we each heard 
Shortly after this exclamation:
“What’s your New Year's resolution?”

The excitement of something new
So forcibly stripped and reoriented
Inevitably away from the celebration,
The potential of the new year with its unknown feelings and unknown outcomes
And forcibly toward something more tangible,
More serious, stressful:
Productivity, work–
The ideal that we must continue to do more.
We may as well just ask, 
“What’s your plan to be happier by being more productive?”

Before I go on
Let’s not pretend that productivity is useless
Productivity keeps us moving–it creates focus
Motivation, energy;
It certainly helps to create and sustain a life force
The forward momentum that we have come to reliably value
More than many other resources available to us
Such as those stereotypical therapy ones:
Meditation, connection, slowing down to feel.

Yawn.
“Where’s the forward momentum there?”
“What am I working toward by slowing down?”

Ah, yes. Welcome to the United States of America.

While I cannot answer this specific dilemma
As each response would and should be quite individualistic,
I can offer a question to reflect on in turn: 
Why must you move forward?

Our society attempts to 
Create forward momentum

By creating backward ideals:
“I can feel better, calmer, if I just work harder.”

But let’s get more specific, and 
Let’s talk about one of the most common New Year’s Resolutions in the US:
“I can feel better, calmer, if I just lose weight.”

The old reliable tactic
The ongoing battle
The seemingly endless vacuum
That is information on how to lose weight
How this is the year
Those before pictures will finally
Yield those “after” results

I have personally worked with dozens of individuals
Fighting this very battle: the one between will power and the body
But in time realizing they are actually fighting something 
They didn’t realize they were actually at war with:
The raging inferno that is the fight between who they are, and who they wish to be

Though this is a rather large concept:
The relationship one has with oneself and why,
It is one we all battle, whether consciously or not
And often times it manifests most clearly 
In the angry thoughts we hold toward the way our bodies
Look, feel, seem, act...
The anger we can hold toward how they “work.”

“Why do I have to feel this way?” “No one else feels this way.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I can’t be tired yet.”
“Ugh, how do I still not have a thigh gap?” “Why did I eat so many Reeses?"

This relationship we have with our bodies
Can offer a glimpse into the true world of our uncertainty
“Who am I really, and how does my body reflect this?”
And why is it my body has to be 
A mirror for the world to see?
What is it about what is happening inside my body
Whether in emotion, sensation, or physically
That drives me up the wall
And leads me to make changes
And how closely tied is this
To my own personal sense of value?

It certainly begs the question,
How is my relationship with myself,
even if these goals aren’t met?
What does my external body need to show
in order to reflect how I want to be seen internally?

Does being fit equate to being driven, motivated, successful?
Does being unfit equate to laziness, boredom, shame, or guilt?
How might I be trying to solve my inside problems 
By “fixing” my outsides?

While exercise and nutrition can be vital components to leading a healthy and happy lifestyle
It is important to not lose sight of what is also important:
The relationship we hold with ourselves.
May your New Year be full of happiness and connection–both with yourself, and with others
And may your resolution be to move toward greater self-cohesion and acceptance
Versus toward another plot to take yourself down. 
​
And while certainly not all of us struggle
Between the relationship between the body and the sense of self,
My hope is you will consider these reflections of true motive,
As you continue to ponder your relationship with productivity.

The holiday season is upon us and the new year is approaching fast. Our traditions, at their best, are how we mark time and connect to meaning in life. This can be a time to gather, celebrate, reflect, and set intentions. I hope we’re able to do all that AND it is cold- it is dark- many of us are running on fumes. Times like these highlight the complexity of being human and intensify our emotions. We might experience a longing for connection and challenging family dynamics that lead to isolation, fatigue and the pressure to do it all, being surrounded by people and feeling alone, ideas about how things “should” be and the reality of how they really are, ideals of “the most wonderful time of year” and unrelenting grief. It can all be overwhelming and disorienting.

What I most often see and experience in moments of overwhelm is either a shutdown (think feeling numb/disconnected) or a panicked what’s wrong with me and how to do I fix it so I can do more. These are natural responses, sometimes getting us by short-term, and long-term end up wreaking havoc.

It is important to be mindful that we ourselves and others are likely experiencing many intense feelings this time of year. If we feel ourselves slipping into overwhelm, or suddenly just wake up there, it is time to take a break. I mean full on stop. Yes, problem solving and processing are important, and in a state of overwhelm none of us come up with solutions or helpful interpretations.

Step out of the chaos for a moment- This might look like taking a quiet moment in the bathroom, a walk around the block, or acknowledging a worried part and asking it to slow down so we can effectively address what’s coming up.

Reorient- We are physical bodies, this means we first reorient ourselves by grounding in our senses, establishing physical safety, and breathing deep into our bellies.

Acceptance- I know this word can be tricky. Think of a map. Acceptance is just saying these are my current coordinates. You are not saying that what happened to you that led to these coordinates was okay, that this is where
you want/planned to be, that you like where you are, or that you will be staying in this place. Simply, this is where I am right now.

The next right action- Engage with compassion. It may help to think of what you would want for a loved one. Be clear on what is and isn’t within your control, establish realistic expectations and boundaries, and connect back to your values. Take your next action from this place.

Our wellbeing is so much more about embracing the fullness and complexity of our
experiences, who we are, and what we need in any given moment than about trying
harder or pretending everything is ok.

By: Angela Kuhns, LPC

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​It is the time of year where Gratitude is scrolled across every inspirational post and
barn board in sight. There is a significant amount of research that supports the
numerable benefits of a gratitude practice such as improved mental and physical
health, increased resiliency, improved relationships, increased self- esteem, and
increased empathy. Yet the word snags on the jagged edges of my judgment and I
am instantly suspicious. When I hear someone say “I should be grateful” or “just be
thankful” I cringe. Cue the inner critic and concern for what others will think. I am
not supposed to think that way yet alone share it. Maybe I am a bad therapist- a
bad human. I am going to go ahead and pause right there. I have never
investigated a part that didn’t have a deep caring, something it was fiercely
attempting to protect. So, like I encourage the people I work with to do, I try to get
curious and explore with compassion rather than judging the part or over identify
with it.

The part brings forward how hard this time of year is for so many people. Grief,
loneliness, stress of unrealistic expectations, the sense of not enough... it is
agonizing. There is so much minimizing, shaming, and dismissal of pain that
masquerades as gratitude. The meaning gets misconstrued and weaponized. We
hear how our pain is unacceptable and a personal failure.

In the depths of our pain, we need to know someone sees us, our suffering, and will
follow through with compassionate action. Pain is profound and it asks to be
acknowledged along side the profoundness of gratitude. For gratitude is not a way
to circumvent pain, it is a salve that eases suffering not denies it. It is protective. It
increases our wellbeing. Now more than ever we need gratitude in its truest form,
not some watered-down performative version or the false stand-ins that cause
further harm.

Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart writes “Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our
deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what
makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.” This points to ways we can
check in with ourselves and our practice. Do I feel thankful or guilty? Open or
hardened? Relaxed or tense? Connected or isolated? Expansive or diminished?
Intentional or forced? Warm or numb? Compassionate or judgmental?
I hope this season we can connect to the heart of gratitude.

May we receive the gifts of both gratitude and the acknowledgement of pain
May we practice gratitude in ways that expand compassion to ourselves and others
May we make space for all parts and connect to the deep caring within

Laughter, joy, excitement, and the like are often not the first things that come to mind when we think about therapy.  It is true, most of us seek out therapy when the pain in our lives has become unbearable. What’s good and how we take the good in are not at the forefront. However, the practice of taking in the good is vital to our wellbeing. It is sustaining, adds to our sense of wellbeing, and puts us in a more resourced place as we confront the many challenges of being alive.

It is very common for us to lose sight of the good or what brings joy into our lives. This might simply be getting lost in the busyness of life, an oversight remedied by being more mindful and intentional. It is also very common to actually be defending against allowing the good in. Harmful conditioning, fear of vulnerability, and incidents that interrupt our sense of self and safety often cause the good to be perceived as a liability. We become locked into avoiding pain.  So much so that we are all avoidance with no sense of what to approach. Our world becomes smaller; we experience the emergence of depression and anxiety. Our protective strategies that helped us survive, while they deserve our respect and gratitude, are not conducive for fostering our greater sense of wellbeing. It is impossible to fully embrace goodness if it is being perceived as a threat.

When we notice we are unable to take in the good, it is time to act. If depressive symptoms and/or anxiety are so debilitating that we can’t seem to engage, it is important to enlist the help of a therapist and establish care with a psychiatrist. Sometimes support is necessary to connect us to our resources and unpack the experiences and beliefs that are keeping us overwhelmed.

When we are able to engage, we can start by investigating what we are defending against. The specifics are different for everyone, and common themes include guarding against: failure, loss, disappointment, judgement, being manipulated or taken advantage of, being perceived as less than, vulnerability, a sense of unworthiness, guilt, and shame. When we know what we are afraid of we can start working towards establishing safety. Again, this looks different for everyone, and common themes include: acceptance of the full range of human emotions, establishing realistic and compassionate self-talk, connecting to our worth, tolerance of inherit vulnerability, boundaries, and building healthy relationships.

Once we are in a place where we are willing to allow the good in, we must identify what bring us joy. It is almost certain if we have been defending against allowing the good in, out of fear or a need to protect, our initial reaction will be “I don’t know what brings me joy.” Not knowing is okay; our fate is not sealed. Not knowing is our invitation to get curious. We may review what we do know. Where have I experienced joy, interest, or playfulness in the past?  We may research. What would people I trust say about when I am most joyful? What do experts say about human joy?  We may experiment. What are some of my best guesses and how can I try them out? From here we can make a list of the good we would like to take in. We can work to foster it in our lives through setting our intention, direction action, and mindful awareness.

To anchor those positive experiences and practice taking in the good

• Hold the experience in the mind for 30 secs or more.
• Create an Art project to immerse yourself in the experience and remember it by.
• Practice Somatic Engagement- Where do I feel this in my body? What sensations do I notice?
• Use Imagery- If I were to describe this feeling what size, shape, color, image would it be?

If you’d like to dive deeper, check out the practice of Taking in the Good with Dr. Rick Hanson.

By: Sarah Sanburn, LPC

by Michael P. Raymond

Lessons on Self Harm
By: Angela Kuhns, MA, LPC
I would like to explore something that is both heavy and important to talk about. AND nothing is more important than your safety.  If you find discussions of self-harm or references to suicidal ideation activating or overwhelming, do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, including choosing not to read this post.
 
Self-harm refers to deliberately hurting your own body.  This commonly takes the form of, but is not limited to, cutting, bruising, or burning. March is Self-Harm Awareness Month, and I would like to create an opportunity to connect by sharing my own story and what I have learned.
 
By the middle of high school my depression was in full force with all its attendant sadness, confusion, anger, and feelings of worthlessness.  Totally overwhelmed and without access to better tools, I began self-harming.  There were times I self-harmed because it all felt like too much to bear. I have learned we all need to be taught to identify and label our emotions.  We need emotion regulation/tolerance skills that work for us. There were times it was because I felt nothing, trapped in periods of numbness, suppression, and anhedonia.  Self-harm was an attempt to feel something.  I have learned we all need ways to safely feel our feelings, strategies to ride out waves of difficult emotions, and to know that it is okay to get treatment for any underlying issues.  There were times it was out of anger that I didn’t know how to safely hold or communicate.  I have learned we all need to understand that there are no “bad” emotions. Yes, there are painful and difficult emotions, and we need to realize they provide us with valuable information.  We need to learn how sit with, listen to, and communicate our feelings.  There were times it was because the results of physical self-harm were tangible.  I could see it, I knew why it hurt, and I could control how much and when it hurt.  I have learned we all need ways to express ourselves.  We need insight into our pain and suffering. We need to connect to the agency that we do have in our lives.  There were times it was the reflection of the toxic shame that can accompany shoulds, rejection, loss, and disappointment.  I have learned we all need to challenge our avoidance, judgements, and harmful ways of thinking. We need to learn good boundaries, to take responsibility for our own feelings and not the feelings of others. There was even one time that self-harm seemed like the only thing between me and suicide.  I have learned we all need our self-harm, underlying issues, and any co-occurring suicidal ideation treated. We need love, support, belonging, and as many protective factors as possible.  During all this, I would have smiled and told you everything was okay. People around me didn’t know or if they did, they surely didn’t know what to do or say.
 
There are many reasons someone might self-harm and what leads to harm reduction depends on each individual’s needs.  Whatever the reasons, know that THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO. 
 
If you have lived experience of self-harm or have thought about self-harming know that you are not alone, you are not inherently flawed, there is help, and it is okay access that help.  If none of that seems believable right now---I hear you, there are reasons those blocks are there, and there are people who can help you work through the blocks, self-harm, and whatever is going on in your life. 
 
If you think someone you care about might be self-harming, please don’t ignore it.  It is equally important to not overreact, which may require you to address your own needs.  A person struggling to manage their emotions doesn’t need high reactivity to also try and manage.  If you’re dysregulated, you cannot help coregulate or model emotion regulation.  Let the person know you care, work with them towards safety, and help them get connected to as many resources as possible including internal strengths, skills building, and professional support. 
 
When a part of self or a loved one self-harms:

• Address immediate safety concerns. 

Is there a wound that needs medical attention?
Self-harm is not a suicide attempt. It is often non-lethal AND behaviors can escalate. Suicidal ideation can also co-occur.  This should be assessed by a professional who will work on a safety plan and harm reduction. 

• Find professional support to address underlying cause(s)

Do not leave self-harm untreated. We can identify the function of the self-harm and work towards meeting underlying needs in more skillful ways.  Also, keep in mind you have the right to directly ask a provider how they address self-harm with clients. 

• Do your best to show up with compassion and a desire to understand.

Criticism, shame, and further non listening will only add more suffering and likely increase self-harm.

• Work to build skills in emotion regulation and tolerance. 

Get support from a therapist. Google search emotion regulation skills -My favorite is R.A.I.N taught by Tara Brach.

• Accept that nothing may work like self-harm. 

It will be different. Skillful coping is going to take more effort, time, and will not feel the same.  This is true of many of the ways we try to find immediate relief.

• Connect to our shared Humanity.

In a moment of pain or overwhelm, we have all engaged in behaviors we weren’t proud of, lacked skillfulness, and that were not in our best interested long term. 

The Right Therapist Is Out There
By: Michael P. Raymond

A new year means New Year’s Resolutions! We decide to exercise more, declutter our home, read one hundred books, etc. A common resolution – and the point of this blog post – is to get a handle on our mental health. Resolutions can be daunting without a plan. Don’t worry because I am here to help! I am Sandhill’s Practice Manager. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I am passionate and knowledgeable about mental health.
​
Finding a therapist, especially when amid a mental health crisis, can be overwhelming. Any time I am daunted by a task, I break it down to manageable steps. I find comfort in knowledge. When I do research and am well-informed, I feel prepared for the unknown.
​
Start by thinking critically. What do you want to get a handle on? Have you experienced trauma? Are you feeling depressed? Maybe you have strained relationships in your life, or experienced a significant loss? Also start to think about what kind of therapist you’d like to see. Someone of the same gender? The same sexuality? Someone who is close to your age? I was a queer, twenty-seven-year-old when I started seeing a therapist. And the most important thing to me was finding someone who could relate.
Armed with my thought exercise, I started the practical part of finding a therapist. Cost was a major factor for me. Therapy can be expensive, but my mental health was a priority, even if it meant curbing my Starbucks habit. I was lucky to have health insurance. So, I figured out what my plan covered, and how I could find an in-network provider. The provider search engine on my insurance website was a lifesaver. It showed me providers who were in-network, where they were located, and their contact information. And then, I Googled, a lot.

Searching online for medical providers is a mixed bag. I’m a Millennial, so if someone doesn’t have an internet presence, I’m going to be hesitant. Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist function was my best discovery. Many therapists have a profile on Psychology Today that includes a bio, as well as, a list of areas and demographics they work with. And if you’re lucky, a picture as well. If you’re really lucky, it will have a link to their personal website. I selected four potential therapists from my research. I contacted them to confirm they took my insurance and if they were taking new clients. Based on timeliness of response and availability of appointments, I setup an appointment!

The first time I saw a therapist, I did not connect with them. I hadn’t thought critically about what I was looking for. I saw them for three months, and then stopped. Two years went by, and I needed to talk to someone. I was wary of going through the process again, but I learned from my previous experience, so I felt more confident. I followed the steps again. I read many bios to get a sense of their energy. I reached out to a therapist for an appointment in August of 2019. It is now January 2022 and I have been seeing him since. He is helping me change my life. Finding a therapist can be a daunting task, and I hope I’ve provided some useful tips to help you find the right therapist for you!